June 13, 2010
So, there's no internet up here in the mountains. I'll be blogging on Wordpad until I do have internet access. I may not even upload these to my blog. However, if I want people to read I should keep updating stuff. Why would I want people to read, though? To feel special? Or something.... Anyway, it is 3 in the afternoon on my second day here. We arrived last night at about 9 in the evening. I went to bed pretty promptly.
My brother brought a dog here. A black labrador puppy. He's adorable. His name is Bud. However, this is against the rules of both my father and the camp. Oh yeah, we're at a family camp called the Horn Creek Lodge. We come here every year for the second week of June. A bunch of other families come too. We've grown to know and love them all pretty well. Except this year a lot of people aren't coming. 3 families that I can think of off the top of my head. The camp feels empty and lonely. Not as Horn Creek-y.
I HAVE NO MUSIC!! Oh my god, I'm going to die. This lap top doesn't have a disc drive so I didn't bring any CDs cause I knew I wouldn't have anything to play them on, but I just realized that I have Windows Media Player so I could probably have loaded some music onto it right before we left..whatever. Mleh.
Sadly, there are no cute teenaged boys for me to scam on. The week is looking pretty friggin' dull. I'll probably just chill out most of the time, hike around the camp, take some trails up the mountain. Read. I'm on the eighth installment in the Dragonlance Series: Dragons of Summer Flame. It's pretty intense so far. It's much easier to read than the Second Generation. Second Generation just seemed...trite. Cheesy. Unprofessional. Like a Richard A. Knak novel. By the way, if you ever have the opportunity to read one of Mr. Knak's ubiquitous fantasy novels, do not. They are VERY poorly written. And he doesn't even come up with his own stuff, he just writes about other people's characters. He sucks. I'm a better author than he is.
Anyhow, my fear of being re-closeted upon my arrival at Horn Creek was quickly quelled. My cousin Sam has been a very accomodating, accepting friend this past...half a day. I haven't even been here 24 hours yet. Whatever. It's been nice though, I feel totally comfortable around him, I can just be me. Unfortunately, he's not a viable candidate for my romantic advances, but I can do without someone to flirt with for a while. I may just text Trevor.
Also, the religious tones of the camp haven't managed to irritate me yet. I hope that is something I can maintain. I will have to sit through the nightly "round-up": a daily church service after dinner.
Sister, Hannah, holding Bud in the small meadow outside the lodge.
June 14, 2010
Day two at Horn Creek, Mt. Harvard week 2010. There's a general lack of eventfulness as of yet. It is only noon. Lunch should be soon. I'm really itching to tell a couple people I like boys. It's just awkward and they can't understand some things about me without that knowledge. Nothing really to report. We watched Surrogates with Bruce Willis before we went to sleep last night. It was weird. I didn't like it that much. The one guy who plays the doctor in it is so typecast. He keeps playing these psycho scientists who end up hating their creation. Except in the case of Zefryn Cochraine. He was just drunk all the time. The Dragonlance series makes me so sad. The world has started it's slow dedcline into darkness. It's killing me. I can't wait to get to the War of Souls. I want a new protagonist. It's nice to be reading from Usha. She's sort of annoying though. I think Tanis is going to die in this one. Which is exciting. I never really liked Tanis. It's about time he passed on. The Majeres are probably going to become a focus of plot. Namely Palin. Don't like him that much, really. I LOVE JENNA. Oh my gosh, I want to read more about Jenna. What a beast.
June 16, 2010
It's Wednesday. I didn't blog yesterday..I don't know why. All I did was nap. Actually, I went on the alpine swing yesterday morning. It was fun. They put me in a harness and hauled me up on a rope like forty feet in the air and then let me swing. It was kind fun, not too intense. The best part was the really hot guy who was working the swing. His name was Steven. He was wearing a loose-fitting, well worn, salmon t-shirt that exhibited his wiry torso pretty well. He also wore really good jeans that showed off all the right curves and a belt with a big buckle. His short, sandy hair was capped with a John Deere hat that shaded his dark eyes, his vibrantly tan skin, and his brilliant, crystaline smile. I couldn't help but get a little excited as he cinched the straps on my harness.
Steven is one of three hot guys here. The other is the wrangler and recreation manager. His name is Purdy, I think. What's kind of weird about him is the fact that he's bald, which I really don't mind too much, and his freaky teeth. But he's huge. His muscles are constantly threatening to burst out of his tight, black t-shirts. He also wears chaps when he rides. It's hot. Another guy who's kind of a looker is James. He's like the activities coordinator. It seems like they always try and get a really attractive couple of people to do this. I'm reminded of the Marsden-esque Joe from a couple years ago. Anyway, James has this adorable Texan accent and he wears sporty clothes including a one-size Underarmour cap which he wears backwards. He's also very tan and has a cute smile. He's very amiable. I tend to fall for the straight guys who treat me like a man. That's probably the most attractive thing to me. Fraternity. I never realized that before. It's odd. It's not romantic at all. It makes it impossible for me to have both a romantic relationship and a brotherly one. Those two can't mix. They're complete opposites. Or can they? Hmm. I guess time and experimentation will tell.
Today, I woke up a little bit late and went to breakfast with my crazy-ass bed head. Breakfast was a yummy little egg kiesh thing and fried potatoes. After that, I took my djembe up to the cabin and played with my sisters on the porch. They're all so talented. They play string instruments: Hannah on the guitar, Jamie on the banjo, Laura on the ukulele. I always feel lame cause I'm not contributing anything to the tune except for a color and a rhythm. I'm going to learn fiddle in college. And I'm going to get really good at improv so I can play with my family, and Chaz can play the djembe. And I'm going to start writing songs. That's really what I want to do. Really raw, touching songs with beautiful melodies and ecstatic chord progressions. I'm excited.
I just don't want to do anything. I just want to chill with people around the lodge and hang out. I think I'm going to take my flute up to the creek later today and play to the forest.
Later that day...
So I did some bushwacking along the creek today. I tracked a deer. My older brother thinks I just followed random marks in the dirt and accidentally found a deer. What happened was, I found very deep, very pronounced tracks in the dirt that looked a lot like deer hooves. I followed them as well as some patches of overturned moss and upset rocks and found a deer in lush grove of aspen and fern-like shrubs. I got about twenty feet away before it heard me and ran off. It was a young deer. I think female. It still had spots on its back, so I guess it could have gone either way. I also found a really picture-esque bloom of Columbine perched atop a small mound of earth in a shady little glen with a bee scrambling around in the bloom. I took photos. :P
I kept climbing and found several such picture-esque spots. As always occurs up here, the beauty of the surroundings has..awoken something in me. Some respect for whatever spirituality might actually exist in this universe. I began searching for proof of that. I wanted a vision. I wanted a tree to speak to me and tell me that there really is magic in the world and that it's not all just a cold, hard equation. I mocked myself. My mind, or heart or soul or whatever became a cacaphony of mingled passion and longing and cynicality and mocking and mourning for the innocence that I once had. God, I'm such a fucking poet. This is what I'm talking about. There's this part of me that is clinging desperately to whatever sense of romance I ever had and the rest of me thinks it's idiotic and juvenile. It's fucking depressing.
I failed to mention an attractive man of Horn Creek in my earlier account. His name's Mark. He's not hot really. He's kind of adorable though. He's incredibly sweet and genial. He looks like a dorky Aaron Tveit. He's really cute. I think he's probably gay. No straight man smiles like that when he takes your plate from you.
Tomorrow, I'm climbing the peak. I'll probably have some photos and anecdotes. Til then.
June 17, 2010
Today I hiked a mountain. To my relief, it was not the hike that would be guided by the attractive male staff, Purdy and Steven--I just wouldn't have been able to handle that. I climbed Venable Peak and Comanche Peak with my dad, my sisters, and three children of the Maillefair family.
It was a beautiful climb. The most fun I've ever had climbing a mountain. We saw deer and elk, as well as several marmots. My phone ran out of memory very fast so I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked. Tonight was skit night. Despite my exhaustion from our 10 hour, 14 mile hike, I exerted my creative faculties to write two one-man scenes. One was a poetry reading by a scene kid named lars. It got moderate laughs. The other was much better received. It was about a tea party with a Wisconsinite woman and a British man. I played both characters, so you can imagine the antics.
I am positively desperate for a boyfriend. I cannot move beyond it. There's a guy on staff here named Mark. He's very quiet and shy. And he smiles at me all the time. I'm 95% sure he's gay. I want something to happen. We have one more day here. Nothing will happen. Especially since he's probably either straight or denying his sexuality for the sake of salvation. I want a boyfriend SO BADLY. Holy god. He's so cute and so sweet. I want him. Holy hell, I want him. Saturday is back to reality. I have to get a job and help pay for my trip to NYC in July.
I feel like I'm leaving something out. I just can't get over this boyfriendless funk. Holy hell I just did a Glee. Mark!! Just sweep me off my feet. Please. Just pin me up against the back of the Lodge and kiss me rough and sweet. I want you. So much.
June 19, 2010
I'm about to go to a friend's house, and all I can think about is Mark. So I'm writing this to get it out of my system so I don't end up whining about how cute he is and how it sucks that he's straight and how I'm never going to find love and bla bla bla.
But seriously, what kind of straight man smiles at another man like that? Why would he ever do that? Does he know the kind of torture he has put me through? Oh my god. His fucking smile. So god damned adorable. He's a fucking Jesus freak, though. Like that's what his life is all about. And mine is not. It would eventually have fallen apart. But he's so frickin' cute. God. And so sweet. Why would he do this to me? I want to send him an email. Hahaha. That would be an awesome decision. I don't think he even knows who I am. God dammit. Seriously, every time we made eye contact, he would smile at me. I stared at him constantly, so that was pretty often. He was so sweet and so cute and his smile made me feel so light and happy inside. And he was so trendy. Seriously, what kind of a straight man is he??? This sucks.
As soon as I get to Rachel's, I'm going to keep complaining. This isn't going to be sufficient to get it out of my system. I need to read a Jane Austen novel. Fuck. He was so cute and we would have been so perfect together. I had it all planned out in my head. That's what I did today on the ride home. I just daydreamed, thinking about all the wonderful things we would do together and how wonderful and organic and natural our relationship would be. And I would eventually be able to tell him I love him without feeling the slightest twinge of anxiety. We'd always have something to talk about. We'd always have something to do. We'd have so much fun. It would just be perfect. Does he even know what he's done? That fucking smile. That god damned, heart-shattering smile.
Or is it me? Am I just that desperate? That's probably the case. I just need to chill out. I need to learn to be alone again. Because it's not that bad being alone. I did it for a while. I've been alone. I just need to chill out and wait. I'm going to ruin my own life if all I do is sit and think about how alone I am. Sure, Mark was cute. But he was straight. Nothing could ever have happened. Those day dreams, were just dreams. Time to wake up and move on. Enjoy life. What else am I going to talk about though? I can't stop thinking about him...There are plenty of other things to talk about. Just make an effort. It'll be fine. Just calm down, be cool. It'll all be fine.
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